Healing Is Weird… Because Why Do I Miss What Hurt Me?

Healing isn’t clean. You can grow, set boundaries, and still feel pulled toward what hurt you. That doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human, unlearning patterns that once felt like home.

I wish healing felt like a clean break.

Like one day you just wake up, decide you’re done, and suddenly everything that once hurt you loses its grip.

But that’s not how this works.

Because somehow… you can know something was bad for you— deeply bad for you— and still feel yourself missing it.

Missing them.

Missing the chaos.

Missing the version of you that existed inside it.

And that part? That part messes with your head.

Because now you’re sitting there thinking, “Why do I want something that hurt me?”

But it’s not always about them.

Sometimes it’s about what felt familiar.

The routine.

The intensity.

The emotional highs and lows that, for a long time, felt like connection.

Your brain doesn’t always register “healthy” right away. It recognizes what it knows.

And if chaos was your normal… peace can feel uncomfortable.

Almost boring.

Almost too quiet.

So you question it.

You question yourself.

You wonder if maybe it “wasn’t that bad.”

Or if maybe you’re overreacting.

Or if maybe you should go back.

But here’s the truth I’m learning—slowly, stubbornly, in my own way:

You can miss something… and still know you don’t need it anymore.

You can feel the pull… and still choose not to go back.

You can have moments of weakness… and still be growing. Healing isn’t about never looking back.

It’s about looking back… and making a different choice anyway. And yeah—some days that choice feels easy. Other days? It feels like you’re fighting yourself. But every time you don’t go back… every time you pause instead of react… every time you choose peace over what you’re used to— that’s growth. Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

So if you’re in that weird in-between… where you’re healing, but still missing what hurt you— you’re not crazy. You’re just in the messy middle of becoming someone new.

And that part?

That part is uncomfortable for a reason.

~Tj 🖤