Where It Started

I think every relationship I’ve ever had started long before I realized it. Before the men. Before the heartbreak. Before I learned how to love like it was something I had to earn. It started with her.

My mom.

I don’t know how to explain our relationship in a way that makes perfect sense… because it never really did. It wasn’t all bad. That’s what makes it harder to understand. There were moments of love. Moments where I felt seen. But they weren’t consistent. They didn’t stay.

And when you grow up like that, you don’t question it.

You adjust. You learn how to read the room. You learn how to keep the peace. You learn that love can feel warm one minute and distant the next. So you start working for it. Trying to be easier. Calmer. Better. Less “too much.” And you don’t even realize you’re doing it. You just grow up thinking that’s what love is. I think that’s where it started for me— that quiet belief that if I could just get it right, things would feel steady. But steady never came.

So instead, I learned to question myself. Was I too much? Did I say something wrong? Am I the problem? And that doesn’t stay in childhood.

That follows you.

Into friendships. Into relationships. Into the way you love.

You become hyper-aware. Always scanning for changes, tones, shifts. Not because you’re dramatic— but because your nervous system learned early that love isn’t always safe.

And here’s the part people don’t say out loud: You can love your mom… and still feel like something was missing. Both can exist at the same time.

That’s the part that messes with you. Because when it’s not all bad, you don’t know where to put it. So you carry it.

Into adulthood. Into every connection after.

I see it now sometimes— in the way I overthink, in the way I question, in the way I feel everything deeply but still wonder if I’m too much to stay. And part of me knows… this didn’t start here.

It started there. I don’t have a perfect ending for this. Just awareness. And maybe that’s where it shifts— when you finally see it clearly enough to stop letting it decide what love looks like for you now.

~Tj🩷