I Wish I Knew This When They Were Younger

There are so many things I wish I understood when my girls were younger.

Not in a “I did everything wrong” kind of way…

but in a “I see it differently now” kind of way.

Because when you’re in it—really in it—you don’t always have the awareness you think you do.

You’re surviving.

You’re reacting.

You’re doing what you know.

And at the time, it feels like enough.

But looking back now, with more clarity, more growth, more understanding of my mental health… I can see the moments differently.

I wish I knew that my mood didn’t just stay inside me.

I thought I was hiding it well.

I thought if I didn’t say anything, if I pushed through it, if I kept moving, they wouldn’t notice.

But kids feel everything.

They feel energy.

They feel tension.

They feel the shift in a room before a word is even spoken.

And I didn’t fully understand that then.

I wish I knew that reacting in the moment doesn’t fix anything.

There were times I spoke too quickly.

Times I let my emotions lead instead of pausing.

Times I wish I could take back—not because I didn’t love them, but because I didn’t regulate myself the way I should have.

And back then, I didn’t even realize how much that mattered.

I wish I knew that apologizing wasn’t weakness.

I think there were moments I could have gone back and said, “I didn’t handle that right,” and it would have meant more than I realized.

Instead, I moved forward.

Hoping time would smooth it over.

But time doesn’t fix what isn’t acknowledged.

I wish I knew that I was carrying things from my own childhood into my motherhood.

Patterns I didn’t question.

Reactions that felt normal to me.

Ways of coping that I thought were just “who I was.”

I didn’t stop to ask—

where did this come from?

And more importantly…

is this something I want to pass down?

I wish I knew that I didn’t have to have it all together to be a good mom…

but I did need to be aware.

Aware of myself.

Aware of my triggers.

Aware of how my internal world was affecting the environment around me.

That awareness would have changed a lot.

But here’s the part I’ve had to come to terms with—

I didn’t know then.

And I can’t go back and redo it.

What I can do… is show up differently now.

Now that my girls are older, I have something I didn’t have before—

perspective.

And conversations.

Real ones.

The kind where I can say, “I see it now.”

The kind where I can take accountability without falling apart.

The kind where I can explain—not to excuse, but to connect.

And maybe that’s where the real shift happens.

Not in rewriting the past…

but in being honest about it.

In choosing to grow from it.

In becoming someone who is aware enough to do better moving forward.

Because motherhood doesn’t come with a manual.

And it definitely doesn’t come with emotional awareness built in.

That part… you learn.

Sometimes the hard way.

But I’m learning it now.

And maybe that doesn’t change who I was then—

but it absolutely changes who I am now.

And who I’m still becoming.

~Tj 🖤