For the longest time, I think I misunderstood confidence.

I thought you either had it or you didn't.

There were confident women—the ones who walked into a room like they belonged there, didn't seem to care what anyone thought, wore whatever the hell they wanted, and somehow appeared completely comfortable in their own skin.

And then there were insecure women.

Except after 43 years of being a woman and more than two decades working in the beauty industry, I don't think it works like that at all.

Because I can be confident.

I can also be incredibly insecure.

And here's the really weird part: sometimes I can be both at exactly the same time.

I can look in the mirror and think I look pretty while simultaneously focusing on the wrinkle I wish wasn't there. I can know I'm good at something and still question whether I'm good enough. I can walk into one situation completely comfortable with myself and walk into another wondering what everyone thinks about me.

For someone who likes things to make sense, that's mildly irritating.

Pick a lane, brain.

But maybe there isn't a lane to pick.

Maybe confidence and insecurity aren't opposites at all.

Maybe they're just two very human feelings that sometimes happen to occupy the same body.

Confidence Isn't Something You Either Have or You Don't

We talk about confidence as though it's a personality trait.

She's so confident.

I'm not a confident person.

I wish I had her confidence.

But I'm starting to think that's an oversimplification.

A person can have tremendous confidence at work and very little confidence in relationships. Someone can feel completely comfortable with their personality but insecure about their body. A woman can love her face and hate her hair. She can confidently speak in front of a room full of people and then overthink a text message for three hours.

She can feel beautiful Monday and pick herself apart Tuesday.

Neither version of her is necessarily fake.

That's important because when we're trying to figure out how to build self-confidence, we sometimes imagine there's a final destination where insecurity disappears.

I don't know that there is.

I haven't found it.

And I've been looking.

What 24 Years in the Beauty Industry Has Shown Me

I've been a cosmetologist since 2001.

That means I've spent a ridiculous number of hours standing behind women while they looked at themselves in mirrors.

And one thing I haven't discovered is a formula for confidence.

I haven't noticed that the women I personally consider the most physically beautiful are automatically the most confident.

I haven't found that younger women are always more insecure.

I haven't found that women reach a certain birthday and suddenly unlock the secret level where they love absolutely everything about themselves.

I've seen a mixture.

Some women are incredibly comfortable with themselves.

Some aren't.

And plenty seem to be both.

I also think something happens as we get older that can look like increased confidence but isn't necessarily the same thing.

Sometimes we simply start caring less.

There is a difference between:

“I completely love myself and don't have insecurities.”

and:

“I don't completely love this part of myself, but I no longer care what you think about it.”

Those two things can look exactly the same from across the room.

Internally, they're completely different.

And honestly? I think there's freedom in both.

Getting Older Hasn't Made All My Insecurities Disappear

I'm 43.

I would love to tell you that I've reached an age where I've completely accepted myself and no longer care about wrinkles, hair, makeup, aging, or how I look.

That would also be hilarious considering basically everything I've written in the Beauty section of The Messy Middle.

I get Botox.

I get my lashes done.

I care about my skincare.

I care about my hair.

I wear makeup.

I struggle with aging.

I've written an entire article about the exhausting cost of trying to be perfect.

Clearly, I have not ascended to some higher plane of self-acceptance.

But there are things I care significantly less about now than I did when I was younger.

And maybe that's one of the gifts of aging.

Not necessarily becoming completely confident.

Sometimes it's simply realizing you don't have enough hours left in your life to spend all of them worrying about whether everyone approves of you.

That's a different kind of confidence.

Or maybe it's exhaustion.

Either way, I'll take it.

I Can Think I'm Pretty and Still Feel Insecure

This is one of the biggest contradictions I've had to make peace with.

I don't walk around believing I'm ugly.

I can look at myself and recognize things I like.

I can feel pretty.

I can take a picture and think, Damn, I look good.

And five minutes later I can notice something I don't like.

My confidence didn't necessarily disappear.

My insecurity just joined the conversation.

That's why I think conversations about beauty and confidence need more nuance.

Feeling insecure about your appearance doesn't automatically mean you hate yourself.

Wanting to change something doesn't necessarily mean you have low self-esteem.

Feeling beautiful doesn't mean you're immune to self-doubt.

And getting Botox doesn't automatically mean you have no confidence.

Human beings are much messier than that.

Thank God, because otherwise I'd have some explaining to do.

Confidence Can Change Depending on the Room

Think about the different versions of yourself that show up throughout your life.

You may feel confident around your closest friends because you know you're accepted.

Put yourself in a room where you don't know anybody and suddenly you're hyperaware of everything you're doing.

You might feel incredibly capable as a mother and completely lost when it comes to dating.

Or the opposite.

You might walk into your workplace knowing exactly what you're doing and then go home and question every decision you've made in your personal life.

You may feel beautiful in one outfit and uncomfortable in another.

You may feel fantastic until somebody makes a careless comment.

That's why asking, “Am I confident?” may not be the most useful question.

A better question might be:

“Where do I feel confident, and where do I start doubting myself?”

That gives you something you can actually learn from.

Maybe certain people make you shrink.

Maybe unfamiliar situations trigger insecurity.

Maybe social media sends your body image straight into the toilet.

Maybe you feel confident when you're prepared but insecure when you don't know what's expected of you.

Patterns tell us more than labels do.

Instead of deciding I'm just insecure, we can start noticing when insecurity shows up.

That shift alone can change the conversation we have with ourselves.

The Tiny Compliment Someone Might Remember All Day

There's another piece of confidence that fascinates me: other people affect it.

I love complimenting people.

Especially strangers.

If I like a woman's nails, I'll tell her.

If her hair looks great, I'll tell her.

Cute outfit?

I'm saying something.

Makeup looks beautiful?

I'm probably telling her.

Jewelry catches my eye?

Yep. She's hearing about it.

These are tiny interactions.

Sometimes they last five seconds.

But I think about what might have happened before I walked into that person's day.

Maybe she almost didn't wear that outfit because she felt uncomfortable in it.

Maybe she was having a terrible morning.

Maybe she hasn't felt pretty lately.

Maybe she did her nails because she desperately needed to do one little thing for herself.

Maybe she's completely confident and simply thinks, Hell yeah, I know.

I love that option too.

I don't need to know.

If I notice something beautiful about someone, why keep it in my head?

Compliments Aren't the Same as Building Self-Worth

There's an important distinction here.

I don't think our entire sense of self-worth should depend on compliments.

If the only way I can feel beautiful is when somebody else tells me I'm beautiful, I've handed strangers an awful lot of power.

External validation feels good, but it can't do all the work of internal confidence.

A compliment can boost someone's mood.

It can reinforce something they're already beginning to believe about themselves.

It can make them feel noticed.

It can interrupt a particularly crappy day.

But another person cannot permanently build our self-esteem for us.

That's work we eventually have to participate in ourselves.

I think both things can be true:

We shouldn't need constant validation to believe we're worthy.

And:

It feels really damn good to be seen.

We're human.

Connection matters.

Compliment Something Other Than Appearance, Too

I love telling someone their hair looks amazing.

But some of the compliments I've remembered longest in my own life had nothing to do with my appearance.

You're a good mom.

You're really good at what you do.

You make me laugh.

I feel comfortable talking to you.

You helped me.

You should be proud of yourself.

Those hit differently.

Physical compliments tell us someone noticed something about our appearance.

Character compliments tell us someone noticed us.

So if you're someone who wants to make other people feel good, expand your definition of a compliment.

Tell your friend she's incredibly loyal.

Tell someone they're funny.

Tell the person who always checks on everybody that you've noticed.

Tell a coworker they're damn good at their job.

Tell your daughter what you admire about who she's becoming.

Tell somebody they make people feel welcome.

Beauty compliments are wonderful.

But don't forget to compliment the things that don't show up in a mirror.

And Then There's the Comment Someone Never Forgets

Unfortunately, words work in both directions.

A positive comment might stay with someone all day.

A negative one can stay for years.

Most of us probably have at least one.

Something somebody said about our body, nose, teeth, weight, hair, skin, voice, intelligence, personality, or whatever else they decided to point out.

The person who said it may not even remember.

We do.

That's worth thinking about.

Especially when talking to children and teenagers, but adults aren't immune either.

Sometimes people disguise cruelty as honesty.

I'm just being honest.

Okay.

But was anyone asking?

Honesty without kindness isn't automatically a virtue.

Before commenting on someone's appearance, body, age, weight, or something they cannot immediately change, maybe ask whether your observation actually needs to leave your mouth.

We underestimate how much power casual words can carry.

So How Do We Actually Build Confidence?

I'm not interested in telling you to stand in front of a mirror every morning and announce that you're flawless until you magically believe it.

If that works for you, wonderful.

I'd probably make it approximately twelve seconds before feeling ridiculous.

I think building confidence is usually less glamorous.

It's keeping promises to yourself.

It's doing something you're afraid of and realizing you survived it.

It's becoming competent at something through practice.

It's setting a boundary.

It's wearing the thing you've been saving for when you're thinner, braver, younger, older, or whatever imaginary version of yourself you've decided deserves it more.

It's accepting a compliment without immediately arguing with the person who gave it.

Try that one.

Someone says, “You look beautiful.”

And instead of:

No, I don't.

My hair looks terrible.

I'm so bloated.

This picture is just a good angle.

Try:

“Thank you.”

That's it.

You don't have to provide supporting evidence for why their compliment is incorrect.

Confidence can also mean recognizing your strengths without believing that makes you arrogant.

There's a huge difference between:

“I'm better than everyone.”

and:

“I'm good at this.”

Women especially are often taught to soften themselves so nobody thinks they're full of themselves.

But acknowledging something good about yourself isn't arrogance.

You are allowed to like yourself.

Try a Confidence Inventory

If you're reading this and thinking, I'm just not confident, I want you to try something different.

Instead of making one giant judgment about yourself, divide your life into areas.

Your appearance.

Work.

Friendships.

Parenting.

Relationships.

Your body.

Social situations.

Decision-making.

Creativity.

Setting boundaries.

Trying new things.

Then ask yourself:

Where do I already trust myself?

Where do I seek the most outside validation?

Whose opinion affects me more than I want it to?

What situations make me shrink?

When do I feel most like myself?

What am I genuinely proud of?

You might discover that you're not an insecure person.

You're a person with insecurity in specific places.

That's a very different story.

And specific things can be worked on.

Stop Waiting to Become the Completely Confident Version of Yourself

This might be the biggest thing I'm learning.

I've spent a lot of time believing there is some future version of me waiting at the end of all this work.

She doesn't question herself.

She doesn't care what anybody thinks.

She loves her body.

She loves her face.

She handles every situation perfectly.

She walks into every room confidently.

She never needs reassurance.

Basically, she's insufferable.

And I'm beginning to suspect she doesn't exist.

Maybe confidence isn't something we finally achieve.

Maybe it's something we practice.

Some days we have more.

Some days insecurity is louder.

Sometimes both show up together.

And maybe the goal isn't to eliminate insecurity.

Maybe the goal is to stop allowing insecurity to make every decision.

I can feel nervous and still walk into the room.

I can dislike something about my appearance and still feel beautiful.

I can question myself and still trust myself enough to move forward.

I can appreciate reassurance without making someone else responsible for my self-worth.

I can be insecure and confident.

At the same damn time.

Frequently Asked Questions About Confidence and Insecurity

Can you be confident and insecure at the same time?

Yes. Confidence can vary across different areas of life and different situations. Someone may trust herself deeply in one area while experiencing self-doubt in another. Feeling insecure about one characteristic doesn't erase every area in which you feel capable and confident.

Why does my confidence change depending on who I'm around?

Our environment can affect how safe, accepted, judged, or competent we feel. Past experiences, social comparison, relationships, unfamiliar situations, and the behavior of people around us can all influence how confident we feel in a particular moment. Noticing where your confidence changes can help you understand what's influencing it.

Does getting older make you more confident?

Sometimes—but age alone doesn't guarantee confidence. Some people develop greater self-trust through experience, while others simply become less concerned with outside opinions. You can also become more confident in certain areas while continuing to experience insecurity in others.

Can compliments improve self-confidence?

Compliments can temporarily improve mood, help someone feel noticed, and reinforce positive qualities they may overlook in themselves. But lasting self-confidence generally can't rely exclusively on external validation. Compliments can contribute to confidence without being responsible for creating someone's entire sense of self-worth.

How can I become more confident when I have low self-esteem?

Start smaller than “I need to love everything about myself.” Identify areas where you already trust yourself, build skills through practice, keep realistic promises to yourself, notice negative self-talk, practice accepting compliments, and take manageable actions despite insecurity. If low self-esteem or body-image concerns significantly interfere with everyday life, professional support can also be valuable.

Is confidence the same as not caring what people think?

Not necessarily. Someone may appear confident because they've become less concerned with outside opinions, while still experiencing insecurity internally. Confidence is more closely connected to trusting yourself than never caring what another person thinks.

How do I accept a compliment when I don't believe it?

You don't have to agree with it immediately. Start by simply saying, “Thank you.” You can allow another person's positive perception of you to exist without arguing against it.

Maybe Confidence Has a Messy Middle, Too

After more than two decades in beauty, I can't tell you what a confident woman looks like.

I've seen too many different versions of her.

She can wear makeup.

She can wear none.

She can get Botox.

She can embrace every wrinkle.

She can walk into a salon knowing exactly what she wants.

She can sit in my chair and tell me everything she wishes she could change.

And sometimes she can be all of those women depending on the day.

I'm one of them.

There are days when I genuinely feel beautiful.

There are days when I pick myself apart.

There are situations where I know exactly who I am.

There are others where I question myself.

And occasionally, somehow, all of those feelings happen at once.

I'm starting to think that doesn't mean I'm failing at confidence.

It means I'm human.

So maybe I'll stop waiting for the magical day when every insecurity disappears.

Maybe I'll keep working on trusting myself instead.

And in the meantime, I'll keep complimenting strangers.

Because if I notice your nails, your hair, your outfit, your jewelry, or something wonderful about who you are, there's a pretty good chance I'm going to tell you.

Maybe you'll already know.

Maybe you'll shrug it off.

Or maybe you'll be having one of those days when your insecurity is louder than your confidence, and a stranger noticing something beautiful about you will turn the volume down for a minute.

That seems worth saying something.

If you notice something beautiful in someone, tell them.

And if someone notices something beautiful in you?

Try not to argue.

Just say thank you.

Maybe confidence isn't the absence of insecurity.

Maybe it's learning that confidence and insecurity are allowed to exist in the same woman.

~Tj🩷