I think people misunderstand women like me all the time. They see the skincare, the lashes, the Botox, the hair appointments, the microneedling, the effort—and assume it must mean I’m obsessed with myself. Confident. Vain. Full of myself.

I’ve actually heard people say, “She knows she’s pretty.”

And every single time, I think… you have absolutely no idea.

Because beauty was never really about vanity for me. It was survival in ways I didn’t fully understand until recently.

I don’t do my hair for other people. I don’t put makeup on hoping strangers notice me. I don’t get lashes, Botox, or spend money on skincare because I think I’m better than anyone else. I do it because these things make me feel a little more comfortable existing as myself.

That’s the part people don’t see.

The outside version of me probably looks confident. Put together. High maintenance maybe 😆 But internally? I’m incredibly hard on myself. I notice everything. Every line in my face. Every change in my skin. Every sign of aging. Every flaw I can zoom in on in the mirror.

And once I notice it, my brain latches onto it.

I judge myself harshly—way harsher than I would ever judge another human being. The things I say to myself internally are things I would never allow someone else to say to a friend, a daughter, or someone they loved.

But somehow when it comes to ourselves, we normalize being cruel.

And I think a lot more women feel this way than people admit.

Especially women who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma, perfectionism, or mental health in general. Because when your brain already feels heavy, disconnected, or critical, it’s very easy for appearance to become tangled up in self-worth.

For me, beauty routines became more than beauty routines a long time ago.

They became grounding rituals.

Washing my face at night feels calming when my brain won’t slow down. Doing my skincare gives me structure when everything internally feels chaotic. Getting my lashes done makes mornings easier because I don’t have to spend extra time trying to make myself feel presentable. And if you know me in real life, then you already know I hate wasting time 😆 We really do not have that much time here, and I will absolutely pay for convenience if it gives me peace.

That’s part of why I invest in myself the way I do.

Good skincare saves me from feeling like I need heavy makeup every day. Botox softens the lines that I hyper-fixate on in the mirror. Microneedling makes me feel proactive instead of helpless when I notice changes in my skin.

And honestly? I know how ridiculous some of that probably sounds out loud.

Because logically I know aging is normal. I know lines are human. I know nobody is staring at my face the way I stare at it myself. But insecurity is rarely logical.

That’s the frustrating part.

People assume insecurity always looks like hiding yourself. No makeup. Oversized clothes. Avoiding attention. But sometimes insecurity looks like effort. Sometimes it looks like maintenance. Sometimes it looks like spending money trying to feel okay in your own skin.

And I think that gets misunderstood constantly.

There’s this idea online that women who care deeply about beauty must automatically be obsessed with themselves. That if you maintain yourself heavily, you must think you’re better than everyone else. Meanwhile, a lot of us are just trying to quiet the constant criticism happening in our own heads.

I don’t think people realize how much mental health can shape the way someone views themselves physically.

Anxiety makes you hyperaware. Depression can make you disconnect from yourself completely. Low self-esteem turns mirrors into battlefields. Some days I’ll look at myself and feel okay. Other days I’ll pick apart everything I see within seconds.

And social media absolutely doesn’t help.

We live in a world where faces are filtered, edited, injected, blurred, lifted, tightened, reshaped, and compared constantly. Even when you know it’s fake, your brain still absorbs it. You still subconsciously compare yourself. You still wonder if you should be doing more.

And after a while, it becomes exhausting.

That’s partly why I started becoming more honest about beauty and mental health being connected for me. Because I know I’m not the only woman who feels this way. I know I’m not the only person who has used self-care as a way to hold themselves together mentally.

Some people drink. Some people shop. Some people disappear into isolation. Me? I microneedle my face and buy skincare 😆

And honestly, there are worse coping mechanisms.

The older I get, the more I realize beauty for me has very little to do with trying to impress other people. Most of the things I do aren’t even things men notice anyway 😆 Men are out here thinking lashes are “natural” half the time.

I do these things because they make me feel more like myself.

Not a perfect version of myself. Not a flawless version. Just… more comfortable.

More awake. More present. More okay.

There’s also something deeper underneath all of it that I’m only recently recognizing. A lot of these routines give me control. And when you struggle mentally, control can feel incredibly comforting.

I can’t always control my emotions. I can’t always control anxiety. I can’t always control how heavy depression feels some days. But I can control taking care of my skin. I can control my routines. I can control showing up for myself in small ways even when my brain is fighting me.

And maybe that’s why these things matter to me so much.

Not because I think beauty fixes mental health. It doesn’t.

No amount of Botox cures depression. No skincare routine heals trauma. No lashes magically create self-worth.

But small acts of self-care can soften the edges a little. They can help you reconnect with yourself during periods where you feel disconnected from everything.

Sometimes doing your hair is the first step toward feeling human again.

Sometimes washing your face is the only productive thing you accomplish that day.

Sometimes putting effort into yourself is actually a quiet form of survival.

And I think more people need to talk honestly about that.

Because beauty and insecurity are not opposites. Sometimes they exist in the exact same person at the exact same time.

I’m still learning that.

Still learning how to stop tying my worth to my reflection. Still learning how to speak to myself more kindly. Still learning that aging is not failure. Still learning that my face is allowed to change without me panicking over it.

Some days I’m better at it than others.

But I do know this: beauty was never really about trying to become better than anyone else for me.

It was about trying to feel better within myself.

~Tj🩷